Have you ever found yourself reacting in the heat of a moment, only to regret it later? What if every reactive moment is actually an invitation to turn inward and heal?
Many of us know these flashes of reactivity—a sudden surge of emotion that feels instinctive, like an alarm going off within us. In those moments, we’re often pulled back into a familiar pattern, reacting not so much to the present situation as to unresolved wounds from our past.
How Your Relationship with Yourself Impacts Every Connection You Make
Our internal culture—the way we respond to our own emotions, memories, and vulnerabilities—directly influences how we engage with others. If we are used to dismissing our feelings, pushing aside our needs, or harshly judging ourselves, then we create an inner environment of invalidation, where our emotions are treated as inconvenient or unimportant. This inner culture may be an echo of the family culture we grew up in, where certain feelings or vulnerabilities were overlooked, judged, or minimized.
When we carry this into adulthood, it becomes the lens through which we view ourselves and others. In moments of stress or discomfort, we are more likely to react defensively, instinctively protecting ourselves rather than engaging openly. This inner environment shapes not only our own experience but also how we show up in relationships. We may be quick to assume that others will judge or misunderstand us, mirroring the ways we have learned to dismiss or judge ourselves. Over time, this pattern can create a self-fulfilling cycle, where our internal culture of invalidation seeps into our interactions, making genuine connection and understanding harder to achieve.
Growing Up Without Emotional Safety: The Cost of Disconnection
When we grow up in family systems that invalidate our feelings—where emotions are ignored, minimized, or even criticized—it makes sharing our emotions challenging. Over time, we may begin to internalize this pattern, learning to shut down or ignore our feelings to avoid discomfort or rejection. In these environments, vulnerability can feel unsafe, leading us to disconnect from our emotional selves as a form of self-protection.
As this pattern continues, we may gradually lose touch with our emotional experience altogether, becoming so accustomed to pushing down our feelings that we can no longer identify what we’re feeling, let alone communicate it. We may find ourselves easily triggered without understanding why—perhaps only realizing that we’re upset or hurt once we’ve already reacted. This disconnection leaves us ungrounded, vulnerable to emotional reactions that seem to emerge out of nowhere, reinforcing feelings of frustration, guilt, or shame when we can’t understand or control them.
So, How Can We Prevent Reactivity From Happening?
It’s exhausting, and ultimately unsustainable, to move through life feeling repeatedly triggered or on edge, as though our emotions are waiting for any moment to rise up and take control. To shift out of this pattern, we need to rebuild a relationship with our emotional world. By reconnecting with our feelings—learning to recognize and validate them rather than suppress them—we create a foundation of self-awareness and self-compassion that strengthens our resilience.
Recognize the Warning Signs of Getting Triggered
The first step to breaking this cycle is noticing the warning signs that we’re feeling activated. It’s rare that we go from calm to fight in an instant. More often, there are subtle signals within our bodies—tightness in the chest, heat rising, clenching in the stomach—that let us know a wound is being triggered. These sensations are cues, inviting us to pause and turn inward before we react.
By bringing awareness to these sensations, we create an opportunity to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. Noticing when we’re activated allows us to choose a different response, one rooted in curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Self-Attunement: The Art of Listening to Your Needs and Emotions
To truly change our patterns of reactivity, we need to transform the internal culture that shapes our responses. This involves creating a space within ourselves where all emotions are welcome, where our wounds can be seen and acknowledged rather than pushed aside. This shift requires patience, self-kindness, and the willingness to listen to our own needs as they arise.
Get in the Habit of Practicing Emotional Check-Ins
Set aside a few moments each day to pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” You can remember to do this by setting a reminder on your phone. Pay attention to any physical sensations in your body, as these can often provide early clues about your emotional state. Over time, these check-ins can help you build awareness of your emotions before they escalate.Name and Validate Your Emotions
When an emotion arises, try to name it specifically—anger, sadness, frustration, fear. Simply naming what you feel can make the emotion feel less overwhelming and more manageable. Then, give yourself permission to feel it without judgment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have these feelings and that they’re valid parts of your human experience.Notice Patterns in Triggers
Reflect on common situations that tend to trigger strong emotional responses. Is there a recurring theme, such as feeling unseen, unheard, or unimportant? By identifying these patterns, you can start to recognize early signs of activation, giving you the chance to pause and respond more consciously rather than reactively.Develop a Self-Soothing Practice
When you notice that you’re feeling activated, grounding yourself can help prevent reactivity. Simple practices like deep belly breathing, placing a hand on your heart, or reminding yourself to pause can signal to your nervous system that you’re safe, helping to create a more intentional response.
By developing self-attunement, we start to reconnect with our inner world, listening deeply to what we need and feel. This practice creates a foundation of resilience, allowing us to respond with care rather than react from pain. Over time, self-attunement transforms our relationship with ourselves, empowering us to meet each moment with greater compassion and understanding.
If you’re looking to gain clarity on your own triggers, my Free Somatic Trigger Guide uses AI-powered prompts to simulate the support of a somatic coach, helping you uncover insights and navigate your responses. Give it a try the next time you catch yourself overthinking, ruminating, or feeling reactive, and see how connecting more deeply with yourself can shift how you feel and engage every day.